People ask why I'm not blogging much. I use to have so many things to say. My kids were angelic and oh so very cute. Writing was easy because I had great subjects to write about. My kids ceaselessly delighted me.
Now, I'm not so easily delighted by them. To blog about their lives these days would make me feel very vulnerable, opening myself up to judgement. I don't want everyone knowing the jungle I'm living in. Daily I'm confronted with self condemnation. I haven't yet figured out just what I did that produced these kids who are so unlike my visions. Confessing our home life would be like hanging a sign around my neck saying something like, "Ask me what kind of stupid my kids did today?"
They still give me many times of joy but they give me moments (hours) of despair as well. That's why I'm a little quieter these days. I don't want people judging them, or me, harshly.
They are great kids and I know their beauty will surface again. But right now, they're kind of weird and I'm not in my proudest phase of motherhood.
That said, isn't my daughter Rachael (above) beautiful? She's almost 16. She has a lovely face and a lovely personality.
When she turns sideways it's a bit hard to look at her though, at least it is for this mama. This is her ear look. I think it's pretty ugly, but I definitely prefer looking at this profile to the opposite side. For when I look at the other side, this is what I see . . .
How did Gordon and I, two very straight-laced people, produce a Punk? It's a great mystery to me.
She's a punk and proud of it. I just don't get it.
But she's got a beautiful heart and I love her with everything in me.
