ValerieDykstra.com

michael's hemorrhoid commercial

It's a holiday Monday here in Alberta. Instead of being at work I've been busy busy cleaning my office/sewing/hobby room. Here is a little something I came across during my organizing from my brother Michael. 

He wrote: 

Every month I meet with a group of men for leadership training. This month is a retreat and the topic is public communication. Our homework has been to write a couple of 30-second commercials that we will do on video and then watch them to see our mannerism on camera. Here's one of mine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Are you a hemorrhoid sufferer?

Does your anus feel like a fiery cauldron?

Do you refer to it as the "burning ring of fire"?

Have you worn a hole in the seat of your favorite pants from squirming due to itching?

Here at Tucks, we have the perfect solution.

(Holding up Preparation H Gel) The makers of Tucks Medicated Wipes know that you are not an automobile in need of a lube job.

(Holding up Preparation H Suppositories) We also know you aren't a jelly-filled doughnut.

(Holding up a canister of Tucks) Here at Tucks we say, "Wipe away your pain."

Four to five medicated wipes after every bowel movement, not only douses the fire and relieves the itching, but also leaves you feeling clean and fresh all day.

Tucks Medicated Wipes. Available over the counter at drug stores everywhere.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Michael's the funniest person I know.

ER talk

(My sweet boy Christopher and me, 2009)

Deborah and I are going to Arkansas for a couple weeks in September. We are excited. Deborah hasn't been for six years and she has a real spring in her step since learning she's going. We are very happy.

One night on my last trip down we shared emergency room stories, two having worked in the ER. It was this evening that I learned that sniffing silver paint can give a man an erection that WILL NOT go away no matter how he tries to turn it off. "It" turns black and the erected guy screams in pain for over 24 hours. (What do you talk about over dessert in your family?) As we heard about this horror, pain and the shots that our blessed nurse had to give "it", we were sobered and momentarily speechless.

Silence was broken when John Mark flatly said: "That would be so demoralizing." 

Christopher, pretending to be the afflicted and NOT demoralized, jumped off the sofa, pointed down there and yelled, "You kidding me? I get so hard I need shots to GET IT DOWN."

colorful speech

One thing I miss about Arkansas is the picturesque speech. Actually it's not that I "miss" it, rather when I'm around it I realize how it's absent in my life.

The colorful speech that I grew up with is very effective and efficient in summing up emotions. When I was in hard labor with Christopher, Mama said, "I feel as useless as tits on a boar hog." My mom doesn't usually talk like that, but doesn't that sentence colorfully describe her feelings? Don't you hear her discomfort, her fear, her anxiety just by hearing her one sentence?

One of my great-nephews was three years old the last time I was in Arkansas. Once my dad asked someone, "Is he soft in the head?" I had never heard the expression, but I knew what it meant immediately. Soft in the head. It's not exactly clinical, but it is tender.

Set straight that Ezra was not soft in the head, Daddy defended his question, "Well, I was just wondering if he was runnin' at top speed."

When I go to Arkansas, that kind of talk bursts out my mouth with no warning. In Canada, they might think me soft in the head if I talked that way.

Last visit, riding somewhere with Stephanie, we had a stop sign. Not one to waste time on oncoming traffic, Stephanie punched it and we spun out of there with a vengeance. Grabbing the handle above my door, I yelled, "Hang on to your Kotex."

Another time I was riding with Stacie on the freeway. She was drifting into the right lane while passing another car. I brought it to her attention. She denied it. I replied, "Stacie, he was practically fondling me." 

I'm looking forward to getting back to my roots for a few days and smiling at their colorful speech.

My kids are... ?

(Precious Rachael and Hannah, in 2000)

Because I'm getting wiser with age, I resisted the urge to title this post, "My Kids Are Idiots." That was noble, I think.

In the 80's I loved watching The Cosby Show. In one episode Dr. Huxstable comes home to find Clare seething. She hisses, "I want you to go upstairs and kill your son." More than once I've said that to Gordon. Unfortunately he never watched The Cosby Show and he doesn't have a son, so my theatrics are sorely lost on him.

Quoting movie phrases is one of my coping mechanisms. Even though Clare Huxstable's saying is not perfectly suitable in our house, I keep it in my repertoire of fine things to say when I'm on the verge of snapping. Thank God for all the movies that have given me anti-snapping phrases through the years. I've not even come close to injuring a child, so there's proof they have served me well.

(When a potential employer asks how I handle stress I respond with a professional smile, "I tell my husband to kill the kids.") 

It's no wonder that sometimes mama animals eat their young. I'm guessing it goes something like this: Mama rat looks at baby rat rolling her eyes at her and thinks, "Yep, this one's liable to steal the family car when she's 13." Chomp chomp. "Took care of that problem."

I won't tell present problems, but I'll share one from two years ago. Rachael was 13. In some homes that might mean she's the cock of the walk, the boss, the indomitable force. In our house 13 means you're an idiot. (In a couple years I'll share our present woes, if I'm not doing time or rolled up permanently in the fetal position sing-songing, "They were such sweet babies.")

Dear sweet idiot child Rachael, with her friends, planned a boy-girl movie night. "We're going to the movie and then we're going to Adam's house." Gordon and I shook our heads like dogs hit between the eyes with tennis balls. Gordon gave me the shut-up-wife look just as I was forming the words, "Like hell you are."

I had an appointment that I could not miss so I had to leave. When I got home I asked how things had turned out. Gordon said he'd take her to the movie. He'd unobtrusively sit elsewhere in the theater. She could invite the kids to her house afterward. Rachael responded with, "Well that's going to be mildly embarrassing." Gordon responded, "Mildly embarrassing, eh? Sounds to me like mildly embarrassing is a good balance between wildly humiliating and uninvolved. You choose."

That little battle turned out well. Rachael went to the movies with friends, Gordon went too. She invited the friends over; girls came, boys didn't.

She was not bitter.

Rachael is doing well these days. Her mind is coming back. Slowly but surely, I see signs of sanity. She's kind of between stages, part idiot, part sane.

Hannah is 13. I think a lot about the above mama rat. 

classy horse

This cracks me up.

the 10 commandments

Many years ago when Kent and I were dating, we, along with his roommate William, watched The Ten Commandments. To be truthful, I don't remember too much about it. I remember Moses' famous scene standing with his arms outstretched at the Red Sea as the Israelites crossed on dry ground, the walls of water on both sides. (That was an impressive scene). Aside from that, I only remember one other scene. It made an impact on me, although not a thoughtful contemplative impact, rather a let's-reveal-how-shallow-we-are impact.

It went something like this: The death angel was coming or had just come -- I don't remember which. People were gathered, mourning the death of the eldest child. Someone sang mournfully, and I do mean MOURNFULLY. The words sung were, "Death Cometh To Me." Since the writing of that movie, I'm sure there has never been a song sung as slowly. Quite possibly, since the beginning of time there has never been a song sung so slowly or so mournfully. It must have taken all of 15 minutes to complete the phrase "Death cometh to me". Ok, maybe 15 minutes is an exaggeration, but my point is the same, it was a horrifically slow dirge.

I can still feel my emotions as the song was sung. I'm guessing my face was mildly contorted in anguish. I was, up until that moment, totally and blissfully oblivious that a song that painfully slow was even possible. The three of us had our eyes glued to the television anticipating the next word, as if our anticipation might get the word off the songstress' tongue more quickly.

William pulled himself forward, resting his elbows on his knees. Songstress finally finished and William quipped, "Well that's a snappy little tune."

blind date

Pretty sure that I had a blind date with this guy once. You should've been there.

Moby Dick

Today someone mentioned Moby Dick. I cannot hear those words, Moby Dick, without thinking of my friend Nate. 

Nate was a young friend, a Christian musician who aspired to fame in the Christian music world. He met a lovely young girl and was sure "she was the one." Being married to a band-boy wasn't her dream. She dreamed of a career in marine biology.

For a few weeks she was all he talked about. One day his tune changed. His shoulders hung with heaviness as he unloaded his burden. "All I want to do is sing, to worship God with my music, to find a wife who shares that vision. All Cheryl wants to do is chase Moby the Dick."

evolution of dance

This is good for a few smiles and memories.

a gordon quip

We, as a family, have a tendency to sit right up next to each other in church. I don't know why, nor had I really noticed it until a friend pointed it out. We bunch right up.

Every so often when we sit after singing, Gordon will practically be left with nothing but half a chair. The first time this happened, he leaned over and whispered for us to shuffle down. I was surprised thinking he was saying, "give me some space". I looked quizzically at him. He whispered, "I just want to get my other butt cheek on the chair too."

church visit

Recently I heard an ad on the radio for a church that sounded fascinating. I wanted to know more. I can't say what I had in mind because it was way on the southside of Edmonton. The ad said - Gordon and I both heard it - that church was at 12:00 - 2:00.

Off we went. We started to enter the service when a black man blocked the entrance and said, "What do you want?"

My first thought was from one of my favorite movies, The Out-of-Towners, where Steve Martin and Goldie Hawn go into a church thinking it was "church" and then learn it is a sex addicts' meeting. The group facilitator asked Steve about himself and he says, "We just came here to worship, but this is the wroooooong denomination." 

When Mr. Welcoming Committee greeted us with "What do you want?", my first thought was, "We just came to worship, but this is the wroooooong denomination." Gordon, however had clarity of mind, something I'm prone to lose. He realized that the African gentleman was speaking his second language and didn't mean his question quite as harshly as it sounded.

Gordon told the man we were there to attend church. The usher-lady welcomed us into the main room and excorted us to the FRONT ROW. On the stroll up to the front row, we couldn't help noticing we were the ONLY white folk there. A bit awkward.

And the final awkward was this: seconds after we sat it became obvious we were at a business meeting not a church service. Turns out the ad on the radio was old. Church started at 10:00. We arrived for the 12:00 service which actually was their annual business meeting.

Extremely uncomfortable, I leaned over and whispered, "I think we should apologize and leave." Gordon said, "No way, I have all kinds of things to say." I sank lower in the chair. (Gordon didn't add anything to the meeting.)

I'm still curious what their church is like. I guess I'll never know. Their business meeting was pretty average though.

airline announcements

United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it! ************************************* On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings.  If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. ' ************************************* 'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane' ************************************* An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.'  He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.  Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.   She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?' 'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?' The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?' *************************************** As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:  'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!' ******************************************* After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.' ************************************* Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:  'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.' ************************************* Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day:  During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.  After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.  Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!' *********************************** 'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.' *********************************** 'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.  Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.' ****************************************** Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City.  The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.  I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.' **************************************** After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.  And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal..' **************************************** Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:  'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.  And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.' **************************************** Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.' **************************************** A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.  After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.  The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.  Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!'  Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.  While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!'! !  A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing.  You should see the back of mine!'

 

Good for a few smiles, eh? I like the old lady one and the "Whoa big feller" ones best.

Class For Men Only

WICOE (Women In Charge Of Everything) Is proud to announce the opening of its EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!

 

OPEN TO MEN ONLY

  

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants.

The course covers two days and topics covered in this course include:

 

 

 

 

DAY ONE

HOW TO REFILL ICE CUBE TRAYS

Step by step guide with slide presentation

 

TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?

Round table discussion

 

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR  Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

 

DISHES & SILVERWARE:

DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?

Debate among a panel of experts.

 

REMOTE CONTROL

Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

 

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS - Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming 

Open forum

 

DAY TWO

 

EMPTY MILK CARTONS:  DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?

Group discussion and role play

 

HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH 

Power Point presentation

 

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST

Real life testimonial from the one man who did

 

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?

Driving simulation

 

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION

Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

 

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE

Bring your calendar or PDA to class

 

GETTING OVER IT:  LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME

 

Individual counseling available

tiger's christmas card

Gonna be a bear

My Aunt Jilly sent this to me. :-)

In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup, gonna be a bear!

new job

 

Avery and Beppie, holding hands. Oct 2009

Folks I'm sorry about how negligent I've been with this blog. And this post isn't about how I'm going to do better. Matter of fact, I'm pretty well promising you that I'm not going to be posting much over the next little while.

I have a new job and am quite the busy little beaver right now. This blog is the first thing that has to go. Not that it's going anywhere, and not that I won't eventually get better at balancing my demands, but just for now, it's got to be a low priority. You do understand, don't you?

I have a new bookkeeping job and it's been nearly 20 years since I did the bookkeeping thing. So, think tension. But I'm loving it and very thankful for a good job, good environment,...

But on a lighter note,... Do we all hate job hunting? I'm assuming we do. I do. I hate nearly everything about job hunting, so I'm very thankful that I got the first job I interviewed for. For this interview, I wasn't well prepared. I got home from Arkansas at 3:30 am and had this interview at 10 am. I felt rushed and ill-prepared.

While I was in Arkansas, my sister Diane and I were sharing funnies and agreed that we both get a real kick out of thinking "what might have been". For example, we imagine how funny something would have been if someone had said such and such during such and such time. We shared potential funny stories, but to us they were already funny because they were playing like real life in our minds. I had one of those "what might have been" funny scenarios running through my brain during my interview.

I was Ill-prepared, like I said. I had not mentally prepared for possible questions and my brilliant answers. I was totally flying by the seat of my pants. Then interviewer (now boss, thankfully) asked me to name my strengths. Putting my most poised foot forward, I nervously began to list them. And list them. And list them some more. If there was another flattering word in the English language, it escaped me.

Then she asked about my greatest weakness. This very question tripped me up the last time I had an interview and I made a mental note to rehearse my answer for my next interview. Forgot I'd made that mental note, so I stammered and stuttered trying to answer coherently. I have plenty of weaknesses, but most of them don't really pertain to the job setting. Sure I could have told her about my flossing negligence, about the people I dislike and how it's their issue not my own. I could have told her about my cooking abilities, how they seem to be digressing with age. Or about that gunky-buildup on the floor around the toilets. I could have told her I eat too much and sleep too much. In real life, I'm quick to admit that I abhor the telephone, but that probably isn't the right thing to admit in a job interview.

I stammered a bit and then had a flash of what-might-have-been humor. I imagined a scene that would fit with Bill Murray in What About Bob?.

After losing my breath telling my bajillion strengths, to her "tell me your greatest weakness," I imagined myself deflated-ly and in somber seriousness saying, "self-loathing."

I still chuckle when I imagine that scene that never happened.

So Valerie, tell me some of your greatest strengths.

I'd be happy to. Blah blah blah blah... I'm really good at blah blah blah blah. ... Repeatedly I've been told I'm amazing at blah blah blah blah. I take great pride in blah blah blah blah. I should probably mention, blah blah blah...

And your greatest weakness?...

Self loathing.

:-))))

You're probably wondering what I really answered and I honestly can't remember, except that it was stupid. It was so stupid that I might as well have said how repulsed I am by KFC's greasy chicken. My answer had nothing to do with anything. While I was saying it, I was thinking, this is so stupid and that's the part I remember, not what I really said.

It's a stretch trying to tell a story that only happened in my head. But maybe I told it well enough that at least Diane will get it, since she shares the same propensity to imagine what would be funny if all the stars lined up just so.

Bottom line for this post: New job, very thankful. Blogging commitment on hold until I get better at juggling the new demands.

Thank you for your patience.

A Spectacular Wedding Entrance

You have to watch this. I woke up grumpy this morning. But then I found this in my email. I feel sooo much better. I smiled, laughed and got chills. It once again reminded me of how little creativity I had on my wedding days. However, if I'd been this brave and creative, someone would have needed to carry me down the aisle on a stretcher because I'd be laughing too hard to actually walk, much less dance.

Please, please watch it and leave comments on what you thought.

Rachael's art

These are a couple of Rachael's sketchings. I think she's getting so good. I love her drawings.

And this last one is just something that makes me smile. Smile with me.

 

About all the email you've sent me....

My friend Joan really outdid herself here. I'm still laughing and hope this will make you laugh too.

Here goes:

 

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past years. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with four thighs and no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.... Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore, and Uzbekistan .

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. Tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

 

Did you laugh at any of them? I laughed big.

14 reasons to get a dog instead of a wife

I borrowed this funny from a fellow blogger.

14 Reasons to get a dog instead of a wife.

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog’s parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask: “If I died, would you get another dog??”
9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
12. Dog’s like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
13. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.

a snug swimsuit

I've been looking for a new swimsuit and the one I like cost $100. The other night we were at my favorite store in the whole wide world, Value Village, a nation-wide thrift store which we've affectionately dubbed VeeBoutique. I looked in the swimsuit section and what to my wandering eyes should appear but a swimsuit almost identical to the one I had my eyes on.

Out of breath with excitement, I tried it on. It was a bit snug in the chest. (Darling Hannah calls me "Chesty" on occasion.) But other than the snugness in the chest it worked. The price tag? $7.99.

I hunted Gordon down and showed it to him. "This one is almost just like the one I like that's $100 but it's a little too tight in the boobs."

He looked at the price tag and said, "For $90 bucks savings, I say we let one of the boobs swing in the wind."

He's a keeper!

Girl holding breath on YouTube

So let's see how long this girl can hold her breath. If I could look like this while I held my breath, I swear I'd never breath again. This is for my mom. The first time she saw this, she got hysterical.

funny at the gym

This is just a couple seconds long. You must watch it for a quick laugh.

This could soooo happen to me. Matter of fact, something similar has happened, but we won't talk about that.

Deep Thoughts

Just a few deep thoughts to start the day off right.

**We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

**Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

**Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

**The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

**War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

**The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

**Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

**Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

**With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

**A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

**I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

**Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Drink Coffee